Angry Craigslist Rant: Dear “New” Coloradans Here is Beginner’s Guide To Help You Out!

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This was originally posted in the Denver Craigslist Rants & Raves section and has been making its rounds on the internet. Some people find it hilarious while others find it very offensive.

Read it below.

Dear “New” Coloradans, (Yup, that means “you” if you have been here less than five years or those of you who moved here for the weed since legalization)

As a concerned Colorado native who is witnessing a massive population influx and demographic shift in my beloved, beautiful state, I feel it is necessary to highlight a few issues, offer some suggestions and guidance, and generally lay down the law for you “new” Coloradans so we can all hopefully get along in the future because things are getting a little out of control right now.

In no particular order we begin:

1)

STOP MOVING TO COLORADO — WE ARE OUT OF ROOM!

2)

Assimilate if you do already live here. You know how native Coloradans know you are new to the state and are going to be an irritating pain in the ass? Because you are wearing a “Colorado” t-shirt, a “Colorado” hat, a “Colorado” wrist band, your car is covered in “Colorado” stickers and your mangy-assed, unruly, misbehaving feral child is wearing a “Colorado” diaper. STOP IMMEDIATELY. No native Coloradan has ever overly displayed the state flag in such a manner. Stop being so obvious, just dress like you did back in California or New York.

3)

Yes marijuana is legal in Colorado. Hooray. Yay. GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! Many of us in Colorado (including myself) voted for legalization. That does not mean ALL Coloradans smoke weed.

Please enjoy your weed responsibly in your own home as the law states. Walking down the sidewalk pulling bong hits while wandering carelessly into the street, hitting the pipe in rush hour traffic and sitting through 4 cycles of the stop light, and constantly begging for/and or offering weed as form of payment for services rendered is not acceptable and it is still illegal.

If I jump start your car, or pull you out of a ditch because you are a shitty driver in the snow, say “Thank You” but DO NOT try to bribe me with “weed bro”. I am NOT your “bro.” I am a native Coloradan being a good Samaritan and I don’t require “smoke” or “420” in payment.

Stop smoking your weed in public, all though many of us support your right to legally smoke weed in the privacy of your own home, we do not like having the smoke blown in our faces 24/7, and we are sick of our state smelling like a skunk’s nutsack.

ACT RESPONSIBLY because right now you fuckers are giving the legalization movement a bad name with your childish and stupid antics here in Colorado. If drunks acted like most of you pot heads are currently acting there would be another Prohibition movement. Please, chill the fuck out.

4)

Please RESPECT the mountains! If you are going on your very first camping trip ever, please pack out EVERYTHING you pack in! There are not “forest mommies” who come in to pick up your trash after you leave the campsite! It is YOUR duty as Colorado citizen to protect our wilderness areas and leave them as you found them! PLEASE STOP LEAVING YOUR TRASH ALL OVER THE MOUNTAINS!

5)

For the love of Christ tunnels ARE NOT fucking stop signs!!!! I realize that there is nothing taller than a tick turd in Illinois and the whole concept of driving a car through a hole in the mountain is probably terrifying for a lot of you, but there’s nothing to be afraid of. Tunnels aren’t a portal into some “Alice in Wonderland” bizarro world. “Tunnels” are horizontal shafts bored through the mountain which enable vehicle travel unimpeded. A “stop” sign is an octagonal piece of sheet metal, painted red with a white outline that has the word “STOP” emblazoned on it in large white letters. “Stop” signs are found on poles, normally at intersections of busy streets. “Tunnels” are just holes that go through the rock. YOU DO NOT NEED TO SLOW DOWN AND COME TO A COMPLETE STOP AND HAVE A CASE OF THE “PANIC PISSES” AT EVERY TUNNEL YOU ENCOUNTER- Just drive through the tunnel, they are not “scary” and you will come out the other side just fine. If it is confusing, just remember “stop” at signs, drive through “tunnels”…it’s not that fucking difficult people.

6) “All-wheel drive” “4-wheel drive” and “SUV” does not mean you can drive like a goddamned maniac in the snow. These features simply improve your vehicles ability to maneuver in the snow, or off-road, but they do not mean you can stop instantly on black ice. You still need to drive with some aspect of caution and responsibility in bad weather.
6b) The same goes for heavy rain- Why do all of you new Coloradans come to a complete stop in the rain and panic shit all over yourselves and convulse and chant in tongues when it rains? You drive like madmen on speed when it snows, but a little rain hits and you all suffer from complete body and mental shutdown??? FIGURE IT OUT PLEASE- Just slow down a little bit in BOTH rain AND snow and you’ll be just fine.

7)

Nobody thinks your children are cute. Keep them muzzled in the back seat and for fucks sake never, ever, ever under ANY circumstances take them in to a restaurant. In Colorado we still think children are to be seen and not heard, and your undisciplined, shitty-pants, dirty-faced, mess-haired savage needs a proper ass beating and some behavior parameters laid out clearly in front of them before you take them out in public. That “free spirit” parenting bullshit, and “it takes a village” mentality may be the way it’s done in California, but here in Colorado it’s not. If you won’t discipline those screaming pant pissers I’ll lay a beating on them for you, they aren’t my kids, believe me, I harbor no reservations at swatting the annoying little shits.

8)

If I see one more fucking fleece vest I’m gonna administer some random ass-beatings.

9)

When you take short half-mile hike on well-maintained, paved path with a parking lot with toilet facilities and picnic pavilions YOU DON’T NEED A FUCKING FRAME BACKPACK, FLARE GUN, AND AN IDITAROD DOG TEAM. It’s a fucking paved path you candy asses! Take a bottle of water and go. REAL Coloradans can go 10 miles into the back country above 11,000 ft. with a bottle of water, piece of beef jerky and pocket knife, no map, no trail, no “safety signs” and come back alive a few hours later completely unscathed by the hike. What the hell do you wimps need 400 pounds of survival gear for to walk around the lake at Wash Park for??? Harden the fuck up if you’re gonna live here!

10)

Learn how to fucking park in the mountains! Every week the problem gets worse and worse. The Rocky Mountains are enormous and span thousands of squares miles within the state of Colorado- Everybody DOES NOT have to go to the same trail on the same fucking day and clog every route in and out with their fucked up Subarus covered in “Colorado” stickers that are improperly or illegally parked all over the shoulders of the already narrow mountain roads, causing a clusterfuck for us native Coloradans who are trying to get from Point A to Point B. I would highly suggest and fully encourage all of you “new” Coloradans to invest in a quality atlas of the state of Colorado so you dumbshits can realize that there are plenty of easily accessible mountain areas to visit, not just Gray’s Peak and Guanella Pass…Then again, reading an atlas would require some amount of personal initiative, intelligence and concentration as well as analytical skills and a sense of direction, and when you’re stoned out of your mind 24/7 that is impossible. So fuck it!

11)

Use your turn signals when changing lanes. It’s not that hard you assholes.

12)

In Colorado, especially outside of the metro area many native Coloradans still wave at passing vehicles on the lonely back roads. It is Colorado etiquette to return the wave with a nod and smile, not to flip the person off and scream “Fuck you asshole! Are you steppin?” That is California and New York behavior, not Colorado behavior, and it is not welcome or wanted in our state. Believe it or not, before all of you high-strung, intense, angry city assholes from the coasts moved here and brought your anger and hatred with you, Colorado was a happy, mellow place, Many of us would like to see that return but we need you all to drop the attitudes at the border when you move here.

13)

Colorado has a huge Hispanic population. Please do not try to be politically correct by attempting to talk to them all in Spanish. Many of Colorado’s Hispanic families have been here since the early 1800’s and these families have been highly influential in the history of our great state. They speak English and aren’t “Mexicans” who are your servants that you need to talk down to. Pack your high and mighty, arrogant (and ignorant) patronizing political correctness up your ass and treat them like the perfectly normal human beings they are, not “exotic Hispanic novelties” that you can write home about. There is nothing more pathetic and stupid than watching a politically correct pansy mangle the Spanish language while trying to talk to someone who speaks English just fine. STOP.

14)

AGAIN, CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN. Just reiterating a point made previously.

15)

If you somehow get lost on the way to the latest “hip bistro” and find yourself in a cowboy bar, DO NOT try to fit in by loading the jukebox up with Luke Bryan. You’re likely to find yourself on the receiving end of a stout man’s fist and another’s boot heel. Your east and west coast conceptions of what it “country” are incorrect. As a matter of fact if you find yourself accidentally in a cowboy bar, just turn around and leave and go find that bistro you were looking for. Some arugula and an IPA looks better on you than a black eye anyhow.

16)

Real Coloradans own guns, fishing poles, tents, etc. We hunt, fish, drink beer, fart, say fuck, use the “N” (native) word when it’s called for, and aren’t afraid to fly the flag and tell the truth. If it’s shit we’re gonna call it shit and not dance around the subject. If you are “offended” by anything, leave Colorado and go back to whatever utopia whence you came. We’re still “real” here.

17)

Rivers and streams and and riverbanks are for ALL of us top enjoy — Not just 10-speed assholes and holier than thou eltist fly fishing pricks. We can pan for gold and use a worm in the same river you fly fish or bike alongside, and my gold pan or worm is going to cause less ecological damage than the bulldozers and dynamite that are raping the riverbank to build your fucking bike path.

In closing, understand that Colorado is a western state that was founded on the back breaking labor, blood, sweat and tears of pioneers, miners, ranchers and farmers. Colorado gained it’s strength through industry long before it was the “weed state” and a haven for trust funders fleeing the urban cesspools of California and the east coast. You’re welcome in our state, but understand our culture and don’t try to mold Colorado into the image of the shit holes you left. If you want that lifestyle, go back home, if you want the “authentic” Colorado lifestyle you need toughen up and take a few lessons.

P.S.

Thanks for flocking here by the thousands and driving up the cost of living to an insane level! Three years ago you could rent a nice place in Denver for under $1000, now you can’t get a cardboard shack in the ghetto for under $2000. Thanks Dicks! You’ve made the slum lords rich and fucked over the middle class!

74 comments
Luke Loeser
Luke Loeser

And this is my objection to legalizing weed in Texas. Let the surrounding states lefalize first.

christophersmom69
christophersmom69

it is human nature that people bring with them the baggage from where they left. No matter how much they hated the shithole they are leaving and moving away from, No sooner than arriving into their new adopted home, they try to turn it into the shithole they left.   So it goes with muzzy refugees as well as dipshits from the coasts

VanessaMarco
VanessaMarco

I moved here to Las Vegas from Colorado Springs after 18 years. I definitely grew up there. This guy thinks he has something to bitch about.

MickeyM1985
MickeyM1985

While I sympathize with this guy's sentiments, it appears lost on him that many of the characteristics he takes exception to were entirely foreseeable, and are the direct result of his admitted vote to legalize recreational marijuana usage in Colorado.

Colorado had already long been an attractive 'plan B' for refugees of the failed social and economic experiments from the west coast, and many other urban areas of the country (who then, once there, are famously known to agitate to remake Colorado in the image of the place which they just desperately wanted to move away from...??).

In legalizing recreational marijuana usage, just who did he THINK it was going to draw to the state? Yes: in many cases it has drawn people with values incompatible with what appear to be his own.

How is that marijuana vote sitting with you now, my friend?

It is my belief that many of the people of Colorado were sold a bill of goods, and that they are now paying the price. The economy is booming, but one of the reasons I no longer live there is my thought that, "Yes, but at what cost?"

For the culture changes which are taking place (this guy is spitting in the wind if he thinks people from urban, liberal population centers are simply going to honor his wishes, btw), I am

1) Glad that I am not raising children anywhere near the Denver/Boulder area (including the suburbs....what happened to Jefferson County, for example?), and

2) In hindsight, not missing Colorado nearly as much as I thought I would -- especially given the political season we just went through. That the only-getting-larger contingent of liberal's in Denver is basically able to call the shots for the rest of the state would only have torqued me off even more. Especially knowing that an increasingly larger percentage of them had relocated to 'my state' simply for a now-favorable drug culture  :/  

Before moving to Montana, my original plan was to end up somewhere on the Western Slope of Colorado. Now I dont have the frustration which that would have brought (because of state politics) to contend with....!

Re: this guy's rant, he lost me when he stated that he VOTED to legalize recreational marijuana usage in Colorado.

Excuse me, but what did he THINK was going to happen?

Lauren Reynolds
Lauren Reynolds

Sounds like anger management and some SSRIs may me needed for that poor little ego.

Marisa Maxey
Marisa Maxey

One point to clarify, when he says many of the Hispanics in Colorado "have been there since the 1800's", he needs to learn some history. Many of Colorado's Hispanic population have always been there. Our ancestors are Native Americans who happened to fall victim to Spanish colonization. We didn't come from somewhere else. We've always been here.

KevinNahler
KevinNahler

Well....  Technically even the "Native American's" came from somewhere else.   I think the current 'wisdom' is they came over the land bridge (Beringia) from Asia between 15 and 20 thousand years ago.  Yes a smidgen longer ago than the 1800's, but if you want to be technical, they haven't "always" been there. 

Mark Morris
Mark Morris

Gotta agree with his #4 tho....Please RESPECT the mountains! If you are going on your very first camping trip ever, please pack out EVERYTHING you pack in! There are not “forest mommies” who come in to pick up your trash after you leave the campsite! It is YOUR duty as Colorado citizen to protect our wilderness areas and leave them as you found them! PLEASE STOP LEAVING YOUR TRASH ALL OVER THE MOUNTAINS!

Jake Cheney
Jake Cheney

Sound like what's happening in Florida!

Bill Buse
Bill Buse

Also happening in the Portland, Oregon area. The California invasion has happened there in a major way.

Connie Ryman
Connie Ryman

I agreed with this 100% Lol. Well said for most of us Native's. Take notes transplants and "New" Coloradans. Love this guy!

Alex Blank
Alex Blank

Lmfao lay a hand on my kid and we'll see just how far you make it...

MickeyM1985
MickeyM1985

If that's your reaction, rather than wanting to make sure that your children ARE well-behaved in public, I think I see where the problem might be...

David Clark
David Clark

Darilyn Leigh Gallegos its kinda long but i got a great laugh

Dave Palm
Dave Palm

As a 4th Generation native (Denver born) allow me to make a couple of points. First off, while I agree with most of the sentiments in the original post, The offensive language, however, is certainly not acceptable. As the author stated: Colorado is a happy place to live with neighbors watching out for neighbors. Second point, we are NOT "Coloradans" any more than people from Idaho are Idahans, or being from Ohio doesn't make you an Ohian. Stop being lazy and put in all the sylables... COLORADOAN. 2 ways to spot newbies and flatlanders, they don't pronounce local names correctly and they can't manage to put the expiration tabs on their license plates in the correct location even with a diagram printed on the envelope.

Wanda Hoskin Milton
Wanda Hoskin Milton

That's the way spell check spelled it. What exactly is a flatlander? More than half of Colorado?

Dave Palm
Dave Palm

Wanda, gee, spellchecker has never been wrong before. Flatlander refers to anyone that comes here from low altitude even though eastern Colorado is basically flat.

Tiffany L Adams
Tiffany L Adams

I do see his position. I was a 4th generation native. Lived in Denver, Bennett, Greeley, and Grand Junction. I loved the state, it was true to its roots, it had charm, and was a wonderful place to live. It has changed so much, not necessarily for the better, at this point it a nice place to visit but I don't believe I could ever live there again.

Mikavelli Thompson
Mikavelli Thompson

Dont be stupid. We need more to speak out on these transplants actions

Gerald R Haas
Gerald R Haas

I am a native Coloradan (Denver born and raised). I can empathize with the author of the Craigslist rant. I left Denver to join the Navy. I came back 4 years later. A somewhat notable change in "home town". Left again to 'set the world on fire' - came back after 25 years (without causing any smoke). Oh, my God! - what happened to 'home'? Could only stand it for 5 years before leaving for good. But my heart will always be in the mountains and creeks of Colorado.

Susan Scott Michael
Susan Scott Michael

I was flabergasted by the litter in the mountains. As kids we were DRILLED daily about Not Being a litterbug. Don't be a litterbug!

Angie Perez
Angie Perez

4) Please RESPECT the mountains! If you are going on your very first camping trip ever, please pack out EVERYTHING you pack in! There are not “forest mommies” who come in to pick up your trash after you leave the campsite! It is YOUR duty as Colorado citizen to protect our wilderness areas and leave them as you found them! PLEASE STOP LEAVING YOUR TRASH ALL OVER THE MOUNTAINS!!!!!!!

cibe
cibe

just as Miguel said I cannot believe that a person can profit $6060 in 1 month on the internet.Try this out.............            http://tinyurl.com/Eseycash

Jeff Walsh
Jeff Walsh

Go back where you came from please ... I'm a 50/yr 4 gen native and didn't dont and never will need your sorry ass in our state

Jessi Clark
Jessi Clark

Got news for ya- only Native Americans are truly natives.

Jeff Walsh
Jeff Walsh

Yep and I'm one of them too ... Thank you very much

Dan Mariotto
Dan Mariotto

seems directed at ppl from Boulder not transplants

Eric Stanton BU
Eric Stanton BU

All I wanted to do is be with my girlfriend who is a local, thats why I moved here. Sheesh!! And I moved here from Oregon where the pot is also legal as well as better. It's not the pot or the skiing, I want to be with the local girl I'm gonna marry someday.

Julie Parker
Julie Parker

This is amazing \U0001f602\U0001f602\U0001f602

Melynda Tucker Marshall
Melynda Tucker Marshall

\U0001f44f\U0001f3fb\U0001f44f\U0001f3fb\U0001f44f\U0001f3fb\U0001f44f\U0001f3fb he was a bit harsh....but honestly when I see trash, people going off trail, and even tree carving in the mountains it saddens and angers me. Take care of things like you give a damn. Leave it nice for your kids that is if they stop being 'undisciplined, shitty-pants, dirty-faced, mess-haired savages' lol!

Daniel Scholtz
Daniel Scholtz

The kids thing, obviously you don't have kids. So don't speak on that. But I AGREE on alll of the other points you are trying to get through.

Jennifer Lyn
Jennifer Lyn

Yes!! I've noticed so many more rude, angry and just mean people here now. It's upsetting!

Cherri Johnson Bryan
Cherri Johnson Bryan

I have six children - 3 boys, three girls. They have all finished college - three Magna Cum Laude - married and children of their own but two. They were raised with the rules of Please, Thank You, Your welcome and Excuse me - instead of mowing into someone or mowing someone down. Eating out was a privilege and they knew their go to church attitude was expected when they were out. They were given spankings when needed and when they lied punishment was double. I am proud of my children. I watch people in public with their children - who is the parent? If my kids acted up in public or threw a temper tantrum - all suffered in regards to the tantrum & back to the car and home. My son threw himself on the ground one time screaming & kicking and I threw myself on the ground screaming and kicking - it never happened again. My father was an old time cowboy and I do mean cowboy - we were taught to respect our elders and we worked so have my children. Again, as a parent I could not be prouder. I see what my kids have become and discipline in the right form raises great kids and adults.

Shawna Chance
Shawna Chance

Hell yes to the person who wrote this I want to buy you a beer from a girl who was born and raised in Denver thank you !! \U0001f44d\U0001f917

Stacey Copley
Stacey Copley

First time I've seen this!!!! Love it he's 100% right!!!!